


The very touch of you corrupts.

by devilsxbride



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel Has Doubts (Supernatural), Episode: s04e07 It's the Great Pumpkin Sam Winchester, Falling In Love, Internal Conflict, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27822739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilsxbride/pseuds/devilsxbride
Summary: When Castiel first laid a hand on Dean in Hell, he was lost. Because of Dean, Castiel cared for the whole world.S04e07 why's, when's and how's of the moment Castiel started falling for Dean, in every way possible - and since then, he's never stopped.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 19





	The very touch of you corrupts.

**Author's Note:**

> join me on destiel episodes rewatches as I process the fact that there will never exist another ship on tv as powerful as this one

“It’s the lives of one thousand against the six billion. There’s a bigger picture here.” Castiel says.

He doesn’t envy Dean for the burden he carries on his shoulders. Dean doesn’t know it yet, but even though God’s commands are the ones Castiel is following, it is Dean’s choice that he’ll ultimately have to obey.

He finds himself praying that this human makes the right one, even though he’d ultimately do whatever he’s told.

He tells himself it makes sense that he wants to see mankind do good, as they are his Father’s children. On the other hand, why he finds _this_ human in particular to be representative of the entire specie makes less sense to him.

“Right, ‘cause you’re a bigger picture kind of guys.” Dean responds, judgment lacing his words. Although Castiel knows that Dean’s communicating his disapproval with limited amount of information on Castiel and his intentions, he feels almost…hurt to be this misunderstood.

“Lucifer cannot rise. He does and hell rises with him. Is that something that you’re willing to risk?”

Castiel looks at him, challenging. He expects Dean to waiver, _to understand._ This human—he breaks the gaze first, has to look away.

Castiel cannot.

He’s gripped this soul and raised it from perdition. He’s seen what lies beneath and he sees it now. As scared as Dean is, as much as he understands the implications of Castiel’s words, he’d be willing to risk it all.

Castiel’s lips part, his eyes betraying just how taken aback he is by this revelation. He catches himself feeling odd and he hopes that’s something Uriel doesn’t notice. Like there’s a fault in the system, and _this_ is something he shouldn’t be experiencing.

For Dean, the worth of a life is not in the numbers. Having experienced as much loss as he did, Dean understands the worth of a single life. He was willing to go to Hell to save one person, even after finding out what Hell would be like for him.

Dean doesn’t say it, but Castiel can hear the gears shifting in this human’s mind and they’re saying ‘ _let him rise. We’ll make it up as we go’._

Castiel feels shame for not sharing the ideology. He would let this city burn. He’s done it before, because God commanded so, without so much as questioning where the orders were coming from and what purpose they served.

He did it because he has faith in his Father’s orders and his Father is just. Castiel doesn’t have to understand why these orders are the way they are, but as long as they’re coming from Heaven, they represent the one choice he has and it must be the right one.

He doesn’t understand how Dean can’t relate to that.

“We don’t have a choice.” He says. When he does, he feels compelled to look away, to _inch_ away from Dean.

“Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, you never—never questioned a crappy order? Huh? You both just a couple of hammers?”

Dean’s angry and just as righteous. He thinks Castiel to be sure of himself when making these decisions, and he probably should be, yet he prays for the human to command him differently. What does that make of him, _an angel hopeful that a human will make a choice different from his Father’s?_

“Tell me something, Dean. When your father gave you an order, didn’t you obey?”

Dean seems to flinch at that implication. He’s thinking, mulling it over, and Castiel feels wrong for having brought it up, even though he’s truly wondering where the difference is. The two of them— don’t seem all that different to Castiel.

Dean seems to disagree.

“My father was an obsessed bastard.” Dean’s voice slices through the air. “He was many things, but fair he wasn’t. I shouldn’t have ever had to shoulder his burdens.” He’s said it once before, after having taken the African Dream Root.

“I listened and I obeyed because it meant saving lives. It meant being able to provide for my little brother and raise him, when no one else would. Do you know why _you_ do it, huh?” Dean challenges, closing the distance between them.

Castiel is an angel, but he feels smaller when Dean towers over him, larger than life. He feels pinned by this human’s stare and there’s a sense of urgency for him to look away.

He doesn’t.

“What _is it_ that you’re fighting for? _Are_ you even fighting for _anything_ , or are you just doing things because God or whatever said so?” Dean huffs and it’s sardonic, the way his lip curls upwards. “’Cause lemme tell you man, if that’s the case, if you’ve got no one to care for— _no one_ to care about _you_ , that you’d let the world burn for...” he pauses, in a way humans do before delivering a blow.

And when he does deliver, he delivers below the belt. “—Then I pity you.” Dean finishes.

Castiel should feel relief, for this means the city won’t have to be destroyed. And he does—feel relieved, but more than that, he feels shaken. Misplaced. He feels humiliated and called out in a way that makes him… _that makes him—_

**Doubt.**

He _feels_ for these humans, yet he would’ve ended them upon a command. He would’ve understood, because it’s the word of God, although God has never uttered said word to him directly.

He doesn’t dare wonder whether that’s the Father he wants to obey, so he wonders whether that’s his Father’s word at all. How can he know if it is—or isn’t?

“Give us a couple of hours.” Dean negotiates. He sees Castiel’s resolve break, so he deescalates too. Adapts, socially intelligent as he is. “Let us try something different and then, if it doesn’t work, you smite.”

And it’s such a simple request, nothing grandiose about it. Dean’s just asking for more time. For them to consider alternatives first.

Castiel feels ashamed for not having even considered that as an option, even if it wasn’t _his_ choice to make.

Then, he feels ashamed that he would’ve considered it, had Dean asked, even if it _wasn’t_ _Dean’s_ choice to make. Because Uriel surely wouldn’t.

This—these thoughts, these _emotions_ weren’t for him to have. But, he was having them.

Perhaps there is more to possessing a human vessel than he’d thought. To harbor empathy was not an angelic trait and it confused him, that he resonated with this concept without having experienced anything that would enable him to.

“I suggest you move quickly.” Castiel obeys.

He feels as lost as he’s ever been.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm being self indulgent when writing, but i'm willing to indulge others when given prompts @aelysianmuse on tumblr!


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